| Sunday, February 05, 2006 |
| Alive! Alive! |
I'm back nyehehe! I'm feeling in an awfully chipper mood today so I've decided to revive my old blog. Or whatever was left of it =) Actually, hindi naman ang hyper mood ko ang nag udyok na magblog ako uli... andami lang na makabagbag damdaming pangyayari recently kaya ako'y napag isipisip, napag munimuni at napag sentisenti.
Following is my very first post, dating back to July 28, 2004. I considered deleting everything altogether because what is past is past. But then again, I think its still worthwhile to see what state I was in a year and a half ago, and see how much i've improved since then. Grabe... it seems so long ago... Here goes =)
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
WHERE DO I BEGIN
"where do i begin..." hehehe =) ironically, this was the song where my officemates and i got the tune "tenenenenen." actually, ate ko pala nagpauso nun sa bahay. dinala ko sa office. funny for a start hehehe.
so. where DO i begin? maybe i better start by explaining why i started this private journal. here goes.
I guess I just think I have a lot of personal issues that are keeping me from being myself and from being happy. I remember what my dad told me during the last months of his life. If I remember correctly, we just had a fight then. He told me afterwards, in his prophetic way, that my mom had come to him several times during the period her sickness was really taking its toll. She was crying as she told him that she feels sorry for me. Somehow, she feels that I’ll be sad and will cry often.
When my dad told me that, I was surprised. I don’t know how and why she said it. But I guess mothers really know best. But I also felt a kind of satisfaction. I admit I had a hard time growing up with my father. We disagreed often, especially when I got into college. He always made me cry. He didn’t know, of course. Or if he noticed, he gave no apologies. My dad never apologized to me. Most of the time, when we have a fight, we just automatically talk to each other after we let things cool down a bit. Except for one time, when he admitted to me that he was wrong. He apologized to me, and I cried so hard because I did not expect that from him. He hugged me then… anyway, going back… I said I felt kind of satisfied when dad told me what my mom said. I thought then… “buti naman alam mo.” I meant that buti he has an idea kung gano ako nahihirapan. But I quickly dismissed it from my mind. Bakit naman ako iiyak palagi?
Then my dad passed away as well. We moved in with his first family, etc. etc. Somehow, when my dad passed away, I felt kind of free… but what I didn’t realize is that that freedom will not last long. Before I used to cry because of fights with my father. Then I cried about his passing. And now, I cry about other things. Other things I never thought I’d cry about. I don’t know. Siguro mababaw lang talaga ang luha ko. Dad always said that I was too emotional. Pero take note: I don’t cry in public. I usually cry alone.
I always thought I’d have a good life, a happy life. My dad always said that we, his children would be great someday… and I always believed that. That’s why I really could not accept what is happening to me. I couldn’t believe how unhappy I was, how lonely and detached I felt from other people. I used to count my friends and the people who’d call me, the number of times I go out in a month, etc… of course I would compare this with other people I know. Like my sisters or my other friends. In fairness, I think I have improved during the years. A lot. But its still not enough. Most of the time, I’m still unhappy.
I guess I wanted to run away from my past. I thought I could just let it go and start over. That’s why as I grew up, making new acquaintances was easier for me than reviving old ones. I’ve made an [imaginary?] rift between me and my family, my relatives, even my friends. Then I found a home at OIC. I’ve never been more approximate to myself with them than I even was with my family. Pero now, I’m feeling a rift building up again… its really a vicious cycle. If I keep on doing this to myself, I’ll never be happy…
Luckily for me, hindi naman ako naiiba ng landas, and hindi ako napapasama. I still believe my father when he said we would become great. Also, I have a lot of dreams I want to reach. That’s why I want to heal myself. People say that keeping a journal is therapeutic. Especially for people like me who are used to keeping things to themselves. Hence the journal.
i want to talk about my life, my hurts, my dreams... i want to understand myself better. Actually, i've done this countless times before but I never followed through. Usually, I just write when I feel bad. When I’m ok again, I stop writing. Kung ano ano ang ginagawa ko to sort of analyze myself. Sometimes, I talk to God, sometimes to myself… it helps of course. Pero kulang pa rin. Sometimes, I feel I really need to talk to a doctor or something. But in the meantime, I’ll do something I’ve never done before. Who knows, maybe it will work. So I started a private journal again. This time, I hope to have more discipline and keep on writing until I exhaust the ‘ghosts’ of my past. Para naman gumaan na ang loob ko… At least, since this is an online journal, it takes care of two problems: (1) I can write long entries as much as I want kasi hindi ako mapapagod magtype pashado, kesa pag handwritten. And (2) I forgot the second one. Hehehe =)
o well, I think this is enough for today. Nirarayuma na ako =) later room.. same time, same place. Huwag kang magsasawa =)
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Hayun... teka to be continued na lang muna.. may gagawin ako hehehe =)
--- Original Post 02/03/2006 ---Labels: dark and twisty confessions |
posted by Tami @ 9:03 PM
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