| Thursday, March 30, 2006 |
| Sa kama rin mauuwi |
Nalulungkot ako ngayon. Parang suspended na naman ako sa ere. Unsure of my future. Unsure of my past. Unsure of myself. My whole life is at a standstill, and I’m afraid to move in any direction. Before, I thought that what I needed to do was to once and for all analyze my past, see where I went wrong and correct it. But in recent years, I’ve been taken by what I read in one of Baba’s books: ‘From this moment on, forget all your past [hurts] and mistakes and live life as an ideal child of Brahma.’ Dati, when sobrang lugmok ako sa problema or sobrang confused, isang basa ko lang nitong line na to, e I’d feel so much better. Ngayon… parang na-overuse ko na ata yun, that it has lost its meaning. Tuwing nagakakamali ako, I know I’ll feel better when I read it, hanggang sa… I don’t read it at all anymore. Parang automatic pinapatawad ko na sarili ko. I’ve become arrogant in that sense… =(
That is how things lose their meaning with me. I tend to use it and use it and use it and use it, even when I hurt myself in the process, even when I don’t want to at that moment, or even if it makes me sick to do it. If its due to force of habit, or my chronic ‘people pleasing’ disease, or if deep down, that’s what I really wanted to do, I don’t know. No actually I know what it is. Its that I don’t value myself that much so that I don’t give in to myself and to what I want but always give in to other people and what they want. Like I never say ‘No’ to something or someone. Kahit alam kong pagod ako or ako ang dehado etc. In the end, I am burdened with so many things, so much more things than I can handle. Pero tanggap pa rin ako ng tanggap ng bullshit.
The irony is, I know that I can be so much more than what I am right now, if only I can get myself to move my ass. Andami daming opportunities akong na miss. Most of them fell right on my lap, pero binabalewala ko lang yun. Its not that I don’t care. I am very thankful for them, yun lang hindi ko pa rin napapakita to the people concerned that I value these opportunities. Tinatago ko na lang sa sarili ko. Mukha tuloy akong walang silbi. Buti na lang likas na mababait yung mga tao sa akin at they haven’t given up on me or tinaboy ako.
Sometimes, sa lakas ng takot ko, I just really want to die. As in. Kung tatakasan ko na lang din naman ang mga problema at obstacle sa buhay, e might as well do the big getaway. I actually have suicidal tendencies. The funny thing is, takot ako masaktan ang sarili ko in the process that’s why I never got around to actually committing suicide. At one point though, when I was in college, I actually downed 20 or 40 different pills, pang may cancer (my mom’s medication, na parang one or two years nang nakastock lang sa amin). Umarte pa ako nun, cos I got drowsy and felt my limbs going heavy talaga. Kaso pinagluto ako ng tatay ko ng dinner, so sa takot ko namang magalit sya, e ininjan ko muna si kamatayan. It was such a funny experience kasi talaga di nakahiga ako nun, with my bro and sis (who at that time, didn’t know nauminom ako maraming gamut). Then tinawag ako ng tatay ko. Sabay tayo ako mabalis pa sa alas kwatro!!! Hehehe
So after that e na frustrate lang ako lalo, and never tried to do it again. Pero meron pa rin akong unexpressed death wish. I won’t ever commit suicide or anything like that kaso sabi ko, if ever I find myself in a life and death situation or na-ospital ako at ang buhay ko e 50-50, I wouldn’t fight for my life. I believe in reincarnation kasi e, so bahala na lang ang next life ko. Maybe my next life is a much much stronger and positive person than I am or ever will be. Sana. Altough its not really a concern of mine anymore. Wala naman kasing Tami e. Lahat tayo e manifestation lang ng Diyos. Even in my next life, I won’t be Tami anymore. At lahat naman tayo e babalik sa kanya one way or the other. So why bother pa? I’ll just let evolution take its course. Grabe noh? I actually pitied and hated myself while I was saying that. But yes, my cynicism has reached that point already where I couldn’t care less about anything anymore. The only thing that would make me change my mind e yung dalawa kong kapatid. Haha umarte pa ako!!! Cheka pa ako e noh, na I won’t fight for my life ek ek, pero knowing myself, I will fight for my life, if only for my two sibs. =)
Pero yun lang, gusto ko sanang maging masaya. Ayokong tumanda with regrets. Sa ngayon kasi, I could really say that wala akong any regret sa mga pinasok kong kalokohan. If any, they have been the happiest and craziest moments of my life. Masakit at masalimuot, oo pero masaya. But I do regret certain periods of my life when I have been at a standstill, which is all my years in high school and college, and even paminsan minsan ngayon. Nalulungkot ako na wala akong makukwentong worthy or wild experience or wala akong masasabing na-miss ko when I was in school. Due to various reasons, I have learned to detach myself from experiences and people. Kaya hayun, wala akong mabalikan… hindi pa naman huli ang lahat for me. Kasi we continuously create experiences for ourselves, which we will all look back on in the future. Nga lang for me, mejo delayed tong mga to. Yun… kailangan ko lang naman muna matanggap na ganito ako at ganito ang buhay ko. Mejo mahirap, matigas ang ulo ko e! pero kakayanin!
Pero… nalulungkot pa rin ako. Mula pa noon, isa lang talaga ang hiling ko sa Diyos, which palagay ko up to now has eluded me. Maybe its not meant for me. Or maybe nagmamadali lang ako, I don’t know. And it makes me rethink kung tama ba ang mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. Kung sa mga panahon ba when I should have said ‘No’ e um-oo na naman ako like I always do. Takot akong maging mag isa pero what if dun pala ako magiging masaya? I’ve always equated happiness as being with someone. But what if you are with someone who is not really there? Then its as good as being on your own isn’t it? Ewan ko. Matutulog na lang muna ako…
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tulog na mahal ko
hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
lika na, tulog na tayo.
tulog na mahal ko
wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
saka na mamroblema
tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…
tulog na mahal ko
nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo
sige na, tulog na muna
tulog na mahal ko
at baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas
at sabay natin haharapin ang mundo
tulog na hayaan na muna natin sila
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan
kung matulog, matulog ka na…
matulog ka na…
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Sana sa pagtulog ko,
ay samahan mo ako.
Ikaw na mahal ko.
Ikaw na walang mukha at walang anyo.
At sana sa pag mulat ng aking mata,
ikaw ang una kong makikita.
Para sa yo ko iaaalay ang aking mga luha,
mga luha ng tuwa.Labels: dark and twisty confessions |
posted by Tami @ 11:36 AM
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