Last night, i was talking with my sister (si ate ambs or a.ambs for short) about my 2 sibs' and my (raj, tami and dd or veggies for short) upcoming meeting with our aunt [veggie] and cousin this sunday. the three of us recently attended a church activity in market! market! sponsored by a group aunt veggie was a member of. after the activity, we sort of 'accepted Christ' - and being non-Catholics, it was a big deal to our aunt. so now, she wants to get us more involved in our newfound spiritual venture (i have another entry on this entitled The Way to Salvation (God Save Our Souls) pero to follow na lang =D) and we assume that the sunday meeting is precisely for that.

Anyway, a.ambs was asking me if we really are ready to do what our aunt wants us to do, if we want to give it a try or if we really don't want to and we were just being coerced into something. I said we didn't want to get too involved with a group, but that we are each trying to build a relationship with God, minus the structured going-to-mass-every-Sunday bit. For me, going to church is something that i do once in a while, out of a need for guidance, out of a need for someone [i.e. the priest] to tell me what to do, and out of spontaneity, depending on how screwed up i felt. but at the same time, i feel guilty i'm not investing more time in spiritual growth and i assumed that because i do not have the structure. my sister said there was nothing wrong with that and i just need to CHOOSE what i wanted to do and live with it.

She gave me pointers on how to tell my aunt what we wanted without offending her. And i felt like a three year old being instructed on how to use my spoon. i didn't feel offended though, i thoroughly appreciated my sister's talking with me. We seldom talk about serious things like this. but i just found it funny that at my age, i still can't act without being told what to do. i need to consult every little thing that i do. then my sister went on about how fulfilling it is to take charge of your life etc etc.

And all of a sudden, i said to myself. FINE. I'LL TAKE CHARGE FROM NOW ON. maybe i was just afraid to take responsibility for the consequences of my action, but whatever. i've had enough of being scared. MY WHINING STOPS HERE.

Yesterday, i got a quote from my friend's friend who just got it from somewhere too. Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

How true ^_^ All my life, i've been trying to make sense of every experience that i had, in an attempt to understand myself, my purpose, to know where i need to be at this time and where i am supposed to go. All my life, i thought that i ought to find my place in the world, and to find me. But now, im thinking, maybe i don't need to find anything. Because i'm just right here. What i need to do though, is to make something out of what i have now. And after I do that, where I'm supposed to be will be just around the corner.

Future me, here i come! whappack!!! ^_^

Labels: dark and twisty confessions