| Tuesday, May 02, 2006 |
| wake up call |
i had a dream last night. i dreamed i was going to see you again, and that we would have fun. i dreamed that i will embrace you tightly, that you will hold me again in your arms and kiss me like you did before. but deep inside, i was terrified to fall sleep, because i know that i will certainly dream of you, but like all dreams, i know that i will eventually have to wake up and my dream of you will end all too quickly. much as i would like to see you again, i was already anticipating the pain of us parting ways.
i knew too that there were only two ways my dream would end. we will be happy and eventually get back together and be like we used to, or we will go on our separate ways from now on. i hoped against all hope that it would be the former, but i prepared myself for both cases just the same. i had a bad feeling though, i felt that what i wanted would not happen, at least not now. but still, i hoped for that outcome.
eventually, i fell asleep and my time with you began. we did have fun, and we embraced and you held me and we kissed. and then the time to part came. as i expected, you said we should go on our separate ways. i had prepared myself for this, but what i hadn't counted on was that for you, separate ways meant forever. at that moment, i wanted to scream and throw myself at you. if only i could have held you forever... but i couldn't. forcing you more only pushed you away, and that was the last thing i wanted.
and then the alarm bell rang. so i woke up with bitter tears in my eyes. i hated God and the world and the compassionate universe for bringing us together in the first place. i hated them all for tearing us apart. i hated all the other women you loved and liked, the new ones you are liking now, the women you’ll meet and make you happy, and eventually the woman you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with. i hated you for saying all those things to me and then for changing your mind now. i hated myself for not thinking clearly and letting those five words slip that day. i hated myself for what i am and for not being patient enough. i hated myself because i couldn’t take care of you anymore the way i wanted to. i hated myself i couldn't just be friends with you, because maybe then, i could have been with you much longer. i hated myself because i was not what you wanted and needed. but after all the bashing, is not even forgiveness for all the things i said i hated, because it is really no one’s fault and there was nothing to forgive. it just so happened that way. only one feeling remained, and this is what i always go back to – that i loved you and will still love you, in the purest sense of the word. i admit, it hurt me that you kept quiet when i said i love you, but i cannot lie to you, much less to myself.
when i think back to my dream, i could still see it all vividly. but i don't want to go back there yet. not yet, not now. it is still so fresh to me, that if i think hard enough, i can still feel you, taste you, and the tears come back again.
so goodbye to you for now, my lover, my friend. you have been good to me, and i hope i have been good to you, too. i've learned so many things during our short stay together, you've opened my eyes. part of my recent realizations is that i may have confused love with my fear of loneliness. and like you, i dont know anymore what love really is. or maybe i never knew.
thank you for everything. like you said, what we had was priceless. in time, my memories with you will bring me a smile but for now, i am retiring them to a place until such time i am ready to face them - and you - again.
by that time, i hope we both have learned what love is. and if, just if, we are truly deserving of each other, i hope circumstances will give us a chance once again. i believe circumstances will, if that is our destiny. we never know. i will miss you. until we meet again, take care. |
posted by Tami @ 1:12 PM
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| 5 Comments: |
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senti mo naman tsong.. chill sa aking duyan hehehehe
APIR!!!!
^_^
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yabang, taong bato talaga! hehe joke lang ^_^
yikiw, maka zanjoe ka pala ah =P
chill! ^_^
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hahahahaha
di naman ako taong bato no!
ako pa!
^_^
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asus! hindi taong bato ah... taong bata na lang hehe =)
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hahahaha taong bata pwede pa ehyoh nyahahaha APIR!!!
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senti mo naman tsong.. chill sa aking duyan hehehehe
APIR!!!!
^_^