| Monday, October 01, 2007 |
| The EX-files |
Listen (or rather, Read) closely... This is a tell-all confession of each of my past relationships.
You wish! hehehe
I have always wondered, why is it that your partner - the one who is supposed to be your closest, if not best, friend (in an ideal world) - is the one whom you can't be friends with when your relationship is over? If that is some unwritten natural law, it is certainly cruel. Is it because:
1. The closer you are to a person, the deeper the cuts become? Maybe because you trust that person so much, you wouldn't expect yourself to get hurt because of him/her. And so when he/she does hurt you, you feel it a thousandfold.
2. Once you learn to love a person, it never really goes away? So when its over, both of you are afraid to start communicating again because it might evoke some once-forgotten feelings from one or both parties. And rather than give false hopes, you'd just throw those 5 years or 5 months or 5 weeks away - safely into the back of your mind, where it won't embarrass you from still being hung up, or where your current partner wouldn't know about it and be driven to a fit of jealousy.
3. There is no more point in reviving a love, once lost? I always hear that - from my friends, from my sisters. Kasi wala, there's no sense in keeping ties with someone whom you really can't get along with, who really won't change, whom you can't rely on, etc.
4. You really were never friends to begin with, so when you ended it, there is nothing else to go back to but your separate ways? Ouch. Well, you can't help it, kung may ganitong scenario.
I could never figure out what it is that turns most failed relationships into a person's worst 'Sana-hindi-ko-sha-makasalubong' nightmare. Simply put, it probably just depends on the persons involved, on the gravity of the break-up, external forces (e.g. friends, family, etc.) O sya, pati environment para talagang scientific problem na. hehe
How many times have I done my share in pre-empting this by stating a disclaimer prior to a budding relationship: 'Let's always be friends ok, no matter what happens? I don't want to be an ex / just one of your ex-es.' How many times, after a break up, have we said, 'I am still your friend, and I'll always be here for you.' But days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and years. The tears have dried up, and with it, the friend fades into memory. Well, life has a funny way of bumping sense into you, because despite all these supposedly failsafe promises, X years later, I am an ex to an X number of men.
Well, when I think of all the men I've loved before (Julio Iglesias, istatue?), no matter how short or long, or intense our relationship - I oftentimes have that feeling of 'how I wish I could talk to you,' because I believe I would have been good friends with each of them. But this is also always overruled mainly by pride and 'S***, wag na lang, baka kung anong isipin niya!' or 'He did this to me, and I don't want him to think that I'm backing down on what I said before.'
This business of not talking to them, brings me feelings of both sadness and relief. Sadness because, of course, there are times that you will miss them. And relief because it gives me and him a sort of balance, in the sense that no is hurting anymore, no one is being unjustly treated, etc. And so as not to upset this balance, we just each go our own ways, believing that this is best for each other.
Yes, there were bad times, really bad times. A lot of drama, which time has since reduced to comedic memories. I've been slapped in the face - literally and figuratively. I think about it now and tell myself - kalevel ko si Marimar!
Then there were the good times. Thankfully, those were what I remembered. As I write this, I am moved again, knowing that I love each of them, still. Probably not in the same way, but as you would love a dear friend who has been part of your life. Someday, maybe I'll get the courage to invite them to a cup of coffee (not altogether of course!!! =P) to catch up on the years or months we have lost and be friends again.
I will always remember: A carnival, a garden, music, guitars, a bottle of beer, a glass of iced tea, cold wind and rain, arms and tears, the city looking back at us, a kite, Spiderman, a diskette, a scroll, Ribbons, an exam and seeing you through a window, an evening walk, a piggy back ride, a coffee shop serenade, a church.
And so I thank each and everyone of you (speech ito!) for these memories and for everything. Hopefully now that I've said my piece, I'll also lay whatever remaining unresolved feelings I have at rest.
The world is too small for us not to bump into each other. And when we do, I hope we both are better persons, and ready for a second shot at a life linked together. Until then, best wishes to all of you! =) |
posted by Tami @ 2:27 PM
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